I haven’t been blogging about my Mock Lap Band Surgery challenge lately. Let’s face it, I haven’t been blogging at all. That doesn’t mean I haven’t been thinking about my blog or my health. The truth is, it’s summer and my mind is on vacation.
I remember the day I got on the scale, early in the morning with no clothes on and having had nothing to eat, and I read the number that devastated me. The number was 215.
I weighed 120 the day I got married. We went on our honeymoon and I proudly wore bikinis. Truth be told, I was not exactly comfortable wearing a bikini. I thought I could have looked better. If only I knew how time would change my image of myself in those wedding pictures!
After having my first child I had gained weight and through the years of childbearing my weight changed frequently. I usually weighed around 160. That was how much I weighed when I went into the hospital for the first delivery and that didn’t change after the delivery. I didn’t really work on eating healthy. I just worked on keeping sane while raising children.
I found that when I weighed 140 I was able to become pregnant again. Any more than that and I was not having children. I never weighed less than 140 since my first child was conceived.
When I had my youngest child I weighed 180. At one point I remember being 160. I remember my human telling me I needed to buy new pants because the “mom jeans” I was wearing were too big and not flattering. I don’t know if I did buy new jeans, I just remember his comment.
I also remember my sibling telling me I must feel so much better because I looked good. I don’t know what I said in response, but I remember thinking I had no idea how I felt. I still felt fat.
For a while my weight would fluctuate from 180 to 190 and back again. There didn’t seem to be any rhyme or reason to me. Probably because I didn’t really pay attention to what I was eating or doing. I was simply raising children and trying to stay sane.
Then my weight fluctuated from 190 to 200. UGH! This trend has got to stop!
When my mother started to deteriorate I had to be with her 24/7. I did go out when my family was home or a sibling took Mom for a weekend, but I was usually at home with her.
I learned to play Farmville, and for Christmas I received a computerized farming game and completed it over a year. I read to my mother daily – for hours at a time. I sat and watched television with her. I ate the food she didn’t finish. I drank wine to calm my nerves.
I was sedentary and I was all consuming – I consumed all food and drink in front of me.
That is how I became 215 pounds. I wouldn’t trade a minute with my mother, but I sure wish I didn’t gain any weight.
I used to walk before I had to stay home. I was up to seven miles each day. I think that helped to keep me from gaining weight even though I ate so much.
When I decided to start my Mock Lap Band Surgery challenge, I weighed 205 pounds. I was relieved when the doctor told me I was not so fat that I would be a candidate for the surgery, but I still felt so fat. Not only did I feel fat, I felt defeated. It was as if I couldn’t even get a handle on my own weight and if that was true, how did I think I had a handle on anything.
That’s depressing and depression leads to eating and drinking in order to self medicate. I had to stop this, and I had to stop it immediately.
I have been eating healthier food and eating much less. I have been drinking water regularly. I have been moving more. I have stopped letting my head tell me I can’t move and I have started to prove it wrong.
A funny thing happened. I went to visit some family last weekend and we ate a lot. We had lunch on our way to our destination. Then we had appetizers and wine before going out to dinner. I ordered the smallest meal for dinner. We drank more wine. I felt stuffed, but I was having fun.
Then, in the middle of the night, I woke up and spent a long time getting rid of the food I ate. I won’t go into details, but I was struck with the idea that it would have been much worse had I actually had the surgery!
That was the moment I realized I have made great strides in my general health. I have been eating healthier food in better portion sizes. After deviating from my new healthy lifestyle, my body told me it was not pleased.
This reminds me of the times I went on band trips or any long vacation as a child. I would always come home craving the fruits that weren’t available on the trip. At home we ate healthy food, on vacation I didn’t and on vacation I never felt quite right. I wish I had learned from that experience when I was younger.
Yesterday I went down the hillside to rescue the blackberries that were hidden by the crap allowed to grow freely after years of neglect. It was hot and I was assaulted by thorns with every clip of my gardening tool, but I persevered. I was determined. I was rewarded by the sweet taste of the few ripe blackberries.
There is still a lot of work to be done rescuing the blackberries – I hope to someday have blackberry jelly – but I worked for a long time. The best part was being able to go up and down the hill (not an easy task because of erosion) many times without having any trouble.
It is these little things – the ability to walk up and down the hill, the ability to climb the ladder in and out of the above ground pool, the ability to button the shorts, the ability to wake up feeling energized in the morning – that prove to me that I am on the right track. I am getting healthier every day and nothing is going to stop me as long as I don’t stop me.
The little things are really more important that the number on the scale. That’s what my human keeps telling me.
Still, I am not quite to the point of being able to ignore the number on the scale. It still has my full attention. It still controls me.
Today the scale was my friend. Today it showed me a number I liked for today. I am not going to say “it’s a number I can live with” because, while I am obviously living with it, I think a lower number will be a number I will thrive with.
Today I weighed 193.
I bet you thought my not keeping track on my blog meant I had failed to keep up with my challenge. If so, you were wrong. I am more determined every day to keep up with a healthy lifestyle. That is one of the few actions I can take that will reap the most rewards and it is something only I can do for me.
Stay tuned for more posts to follow…